The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
