Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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