Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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