i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
