so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
