How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
