So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
