Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
