yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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