there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
