i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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