Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
