3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
