So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
