M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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