I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
