Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
