do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
