Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
