paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Drake has all the answers
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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