You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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