My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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