Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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