youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We talked him into tasing himself.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
