I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
