don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
That was before I lit my hair on fire
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
