Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
