Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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