Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
