I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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