I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
