i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
