If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the day after is always just damage control
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
