I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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