It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize