Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
