some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
