M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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