Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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