I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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