All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
