what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
