That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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