You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
