i think my tv is drunk
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
