even my farts smell like vagina
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
