Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
