It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
