My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
