First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
