Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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