If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I think your dad took our porno
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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