my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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