when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
